A-Z - Spots in the World

I Don’t Do Concerts

admin — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 20:01:34 +0000

Last night someone asked me if I would be going to a concert at the new downtown Raleigh Amphitheatre and my knee-jerk response was “Oh, I don’t do concerts.” But it’s funny, I used to do concerts, and I’m pretty sure I loved them. My first concert, on my thirteenth birthday, is a cherished memory from my childhood. Somewhere along the way, I started thinking of outdoor concerts as a huge hassle, and something I can no longer be “bothered” with.
In my adult (read: less tolerant) view, outdoor concerts now mean mosquitos, grass, grime, allergies, long lines for fast food, warm beer and filthy bathrooms, and drunk people constantly stumbling into us. Indoor concerts mean long lines to park or leave, long lines for bad food, overpriced drinks and bathrooms, and smoke. Oh gawd, the smoke!
But wait, people don’t smoke inside anymore, do they? And who knows what parking and food are like at concerts these days? That’s when I realized I haven’t been to a concert in a good while and things certainly could have changed. Why hadn’t I noticed? When did I get so stuck in my ways?
That’s when I started questioning all my current ideas about “fun”. Is a Cosmo still a cool drink to order? Do people still break dance at White Collar Crime? Is using an elliptical machine still considered a great workout? Is Good Charlotte still the band you have to hate? Are knitting and gardening still only for retirees? And most importantly, is my approach to meeting, going out with and developing relationships with men “so two thousand and late?” I embrace tech, and will tinker for hours with a new smartphone or software app, but socially I can tell I’m slowly but surely falling prey to the “I’m sticking with this old dog’s tricks” syndrome. “Vibrant” and “in touch” both seem harder to achieve every year.
Everyone makes cracks about how people post ten year old pics on online dating or social media sites. We assume they are so entrenched in the past, they don’t realize how outdated these pics look. Or they do, but they’re so afraid of how they’ve aged they can’t face putting their current, and less youthful or exuberant, but older and wiser, faces out here. Fearful of falling into the same out-of-it trap, I’m making a pledge to be proactive, not reactive, in my quest to stay in the game. I want to be an active part of my personal innovation and progress, instead of hiding in the stagnation. This doesn’t mean I need to become Lady Gaga’s biggest fan and look-alike, or make myself crazy trying to learn to Do The Dougie dance. What it does mean is that I am going to search for things which are both age-appropriate AND keep me in touch with the dynamic and vibrant world around me. If I’m fully in it, and open to the progress each new day brings, I can reap the most benefits from it. Maybe I’ll meet a good man while I’m at it.
Want to join me? Look for what you can change and make that change happen. Always embrace the change. Just because something is comfortable, or has even worked many times in the past, doesn’t mean it is the most effective way of approaching your next situation. Over the years you’ve learned flexibility and attitude are key to resolving things easily. Put that knowledge to use here!
Have you been looking for love the same way and find yourself still single? If that’s the case, then it must be time to try a new approach! Chatting up girls in your favorite bar no longer working for you? Perhaps the more progressive ways of meeting people are worth more than a curmudgeonly scoff! Speed dating, taking a course at a local nightclub from a local Pick-up Artist, frequenting meet-ups thru your favorite social media forum, attending food/wine-tasting events, or just plain old online dating (which is now more socially accepted than meeting people in bars) could be the avenue you never imagined and the break-through you needed to put you squarely and fully in today’s dating game. I’m going to give it a try, and if nothing else, this means some I-sure-wasn’t-expecting-that stories will be coming soon!

Why We Fail To Impress: Misguided attempts to attract the opposite sex

admin — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 20:01:08 +0000

What impresses you, as a girl? As a guy? We all know men and women have different interests and different drives, but how often do we stop to consider that the things which excite us could actually be turn-offs to the other gender? Are we broadcasting the wrong stuff to attract the opposite sex?
Remember the song That Don’t Impress Me Much by Shania Twain? It seems this is an age-old problem. She says “You’re one of those guys who likes to shine his machine…I can’t believe you kiss your car good night”, adding it just doesn’t impress her. As an average woman, I can tell you cars and motorcycles are merely transportation to me, but if you peruse any online dating site or Facebook, you’ll see countless men posting pics with their shiny and pimped out rides like they’re revealing overflowing pots of gold. Other dudes may be thinking “Ohh yeah”, but the girls they’re trying to attract? Chances are they don’t even notice.
On the other hand, the lengths women go to in order to look good seem ridiculous and a colossal waste of time and money to most guys. This includes name brand clothing and accessories. No guy on a date has ever said “Sweet! Is that the latest Coach tote bag?” or “OMG, are those CoH Avas in the Euphoria wash?” It’s usually more like “Nice jeans. They make your butt look good” or “Those are some tall boots”, which can be translated to “Are you going to be able to wear those all day without complaining”? It also includes makeup, nails, hair color, hair spray, plastic surgery or anything else artificial. Women constantly fuss, and anything that hints at fuss is a turn off to guys, no matter how much better we women think it makes us look. A little makeup to bring out the natural glow, a cute dress, flirty hair, and a big smile seem to be all the effort they want us to go to. They’ll notice the rest, but as for impressing? Not a chance.
So what do (most) guys like? Sports or anything competitive, steak, beer, video games, dressing comfortably, building things, cars, and naked women. When faced with a challenge, men find it impossible not to compete. Men can spend huge chunks their lives zapping things off a screen. They buy mufflers to make their cars louder and more noticeable. They drink like rock stars and find it hilarious to puke up $200 worth of Jager Bombs at 2AM. They are visual beings and are not shy about stating looks, in their dates, are important. Did you see “The Ugly Truth?” The guy said if he only had to offer one piece of advice to a woman looking to date, it would be to “get on a treadmill”.
Girls, on the other hand, love spas, romantic comedies, decorating, wine, dining out, chocolates, and dressing elegantly. If it can be smoothed, sprayed, spritzed, or slathered on, women will buy it and try it, all the while asserting we’re doing this for ourselves. Every woman has a pair of beautiful strappy heels and a Cinderella Ball-worthy dress in her closet and she’s aching for the chance to wear them. Women crave feeling desired, but at the same time respected, appreciated and heard. In our spare time we’re shoe shopping or trying out a new Pilates studio, and considering that wine-tasting social downtown.
Say it’s a Saturday, early evening. If given a choice, the guys would be in jeans and t-shirts at one of the Carolina Ale Houses or Tobacco Road, drinking beer, eating everything on the menu, and watching the game with their buddies right now. If we girls had our way, we’d be in cute dresses at Solas or Café Caturra, perched at an open bar table, sipping a cocktail, pretending to eat some of the shared appetizer, and chatting with our girlfriends. At this rate, how in the world will our paths ever cross? Oh yes, much later at Trim or Stilllife, when we’re all many drinks in, and likely won’t remember whose number this is in our phone tomorrow!
I’m not saying we all have to like the same things or feign passion for something we’re not wired to understand, because that’s entirely unrealistic. Trying to convince ourselves we truly enjoy the other’s interests and appreciate the other’s odd efforts is not the answer. What I am saying is we need to recognize and understand these differences if we don’t want them to become a lifelong source of disappointment and frustration in our male-female relationships. If we open our eyes a bit, maybe we’ll realize a lot of the “show” isn’t worth the effort after all!

The human side of social media

admin — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 19:46:17 +0000

Social media is changing human behavior on a daily, no HOURLY, basis. I see all of us struggling to keep up, as changes and innovations hit faster than we can process them. As an example, just four years ago a group of us from my high school were trying to put together a class reunion. Since this was just before Facebook went mainstream, it took a the concerted effort of eight people and a significant amount of work to hunt everyone down. Nowadays, whether I want it or not, I’m fed details, from the mundane to the shocking, about all those people, and many more from other phases of my life, in almost real time by way of the mounting number of social media tools available. Whether we like it or not, vast cultural changes are happening right in front of us. Social media is making all of us accessible in ways we never could have imagined a decade ago. It is even changing the dynamic of our relationships, including the romantic ones. Should we be scared? No, but “aware” is a good start.
People know so much more personal information about us than before, just by casually viewing our public interaction on Foursquare, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, consumer review sites, and the like. These days it’s so easy for people to get to know your profile before they ever get to know you. This is happening to the average person today, but I think I’m one of the rare few who have had a chance to get used to this already and I do have some cautionary advice how to share.
Back in 2000, this online-before-real-life friendship thing happened to me quite a bit when I was “journaling”. (This was before it was called “blogging”. Basically it’s the same thing except with a restricted list of followers rather than the customary for-all-to-see broadcast today, and back-and-forth commenting, or banter, was encouraged.) Readers knew my online persona, so the much later face-to-face introduction was awkward. They already knew details of dating drama, the cast of characters in my sketchy neighborhood, how long I’d been getting treatment for my neck issues, and had even seen holiday pictures…all before meeting me in real life. I knew the same about them. Not only was it weird that we already knew intimate details about each other we hadn’t even dared to share with some of our friends, it was a shock to find that the person we knew online was sometimes notably different from the person in front of us. A particularly malicious ex-friend of mine used to revel in the idea of “outing” people who she believed had not represented themselves accurately. It was rare and startling then, but now it’s practically accepted as a necessary evil.
It only took a couple burns to realize WYSIWYG rarely applies to personas people post online. You can’t blame people for wanting to show only the best of themselves, and hoping this perfection is what we’ll ultimately see in them. We all wish we were better people, and our inspired selves usually get the self-generated press. In turn, trusting our online friends to be the amazingly together people they appear to be isn’t realistic, so we have quickly learned to generously allow for some wiggle room, and enter cautiously. Just five years ago the general public wouldn’t have agreed with me, but now we all understand where this generosity is coming from. There isn’t a single one of us who hasn’t yet misunderstood the tone or intent of an email, text, or IM, having felt the natural impulse to read into a message what we’d hoped for. We’re hopeless hopeful individuals, all of us, and there’s nothing wrong with hoping for the best from everyone, including ourselves and all our online friends.
As our lives become public property, we need to step back, consider what we’re putting out there, remind ourselves we are merely adding another level of communication, not replacing it, and there are (usually) very human people behind it. Just like with all communication, we need to be respectful and use common sense as we add new tools and features to our repertoire. As we slip further away from traditional communication, I can see how adding the growing layers of social media to the mix is significantly altering our personal relationships by adding some justified trust issues. It is already altering the way we speak and think, and yes, it also needs to change instincts. Keeping our eyes wide open as we burst into this new age of social information will help both to protect and allow us to enjoy all the great things it has to offer.
How has social media enhanced your relationships? How has it harmed them? Share your story here, and show us we’re not the only ones struggling to keep up and learning how to do all this newfangled stuff the right way.

Let’s DTR and make it FBO

admin — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 19:44:26 +0000

When it comes to social media, I continue to sit on the fence trying to decide whether it helps or hurts dating relationships. There’s no doubt social media is significantly changing how we view and talk about dating. Many of these changes are happening at lightning speed, embedding themselves in our culture faster than you can say “vuvuzela”. Just trying to keep pace with the different websites and tools popping up daily, the expansive new lingo, and the impossible decision of who to share all this information with, is making my head spin! Not sure you believe the impact is as strong as I’m suggesting? Let me give a few examples of what I’m talking about.
I have a girlfriend who went out with a guy a couple times, but outside of their dates, which were decently interesting, he insisted upon using the chat feature on his phone – texting, basically — for making plans, chit chat, everything. At first she tried to play along, but it quickly got too odd for her, never having any interaction except in sporadic 160 character increments. She actually began wondering if she was too “old school”, wanting also to have some personal contact with him, like a phone call, in order for it to feel like they were pursuing a dating relationship. (For the record, I feel funny saying phoning someone is “old school”. Let’s call it “traditional” instead.) A quick chat with some girlfriends helped her realize he was the odd one and it is absolutely important to have the physical interaction and intimacy when dating. Social media should complement a relationship, not replace it.
Remember when we used to call it “going with” someone? Remember the days of elementary school notes saying “Do you like me? Please check one”, with boxes for “yes”, “no” and “can’t say”? Having a boyfriend or a girlfriend was the goal, plain and simple. However, it seems things are becoming much more formal and structured, and social media is at the root. A friend at work was telling me her 5th grader was recently confronted by an enthusiastic girl in his class, hoping for much more from him than just a check in the right box. She stated she liked him, and then demanded to know if he liked her too. He responded with a “yes, but only a fraction as much as I think you like me”. Her response was a very matter-of-fact “Okay, you like me too, so that means we’re ‘In a Relationship’”. Wait, what just happened?
It seems being ‘In a Relationship’, this Facebook-driven ideal, is the new big step in dating. No longer is having The Talk enough to declare you’re in a committed relationship. Fuhgeddabout the single person’s GTL and DTF! Now you have to make it FBO, Facebook Official, with the electronic handshake through your already-friended accounts. FBO serves two purposes. It gives you the opportunity to publicly mark your territory and it is the official announcement to everyone in your online social circle making your dating relationship their business. Thanks to features like “relationship status”, you are now required to have a DTR (Define The Relationship conversation) at every stage of the dating game just to make sure you’re on the same page…and advertizing the appropriate status.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for communication and ensuring everyone’s expectations are realistic. However, all the openness wrapped around the definitions also means everyone will know when the well-publicized relationship starts circling the drain. In that case, there’s the opportunity in Facebook to change from “In a relationship” to “It’s complicated”. Or, as Lindsay Lohan proved with Twitter, using social media like Facebook is an easy way to get the word out when the relationship is over, even to the person you’re breaking up with. It takes two to put you in a relationship, but only one to (quite publicly) back it out. This is especially noteworthy when the couple spirals into a break up/get back together cycle. We can hope they’ll spare us the drama of following every up and down, but usually we all get to “enjoy” the weekly status changes and stabbing tweets at each other.
Of course, all this relationship openness creates yet more complicated matters. Again, who do we share all this information with? Shall we keep exes as fans & friends everywhere, to show we’re being good sports and to prove we’re the rare ones who can maintain a friendship in the aftermath? If we still have our exes as “friends” on Facebook, they can see when we date new people or when we break up. Won’t this just invite Facebook “stalking”, or at least some hurt feelings? Multi-app “blocked” is sadly usually the final step in a relationship, the sign the relationship has finally been flushed down the toilet.
While we’re on the subject of people potentially having more information than they can handle, we also have to consider all the people who won’t use the openness and information available to them in a healthy way. We have to consider the leeway we give those who might hope for a relationship, but we aren’t interested in them romantically. It’s so easy for them to waltz through the generously opened door and try to mark their desired territory with excessive public posts, photos, claiming a relationship status or even asking the person out on their wall. If someone has a tendency toward jealous behavior, seeing the exploits of a loved one in wall posts, photos, messages, Foursquare checkins, and videos can create quite the predicament. If one is willing to poke around and watch, it is easy to expose lying and omissions, or to jump to conclusions. Who needs “trust” when posts, checkins and an entertainment photo site are all it takes to surmise if it really was “laundry” the object of your affection was doing Saturday night?
When it comes down to it, we each have to decide just how much we wish to share, why and how we’re willing to label it all. With a new avenue for making our private, and dating, lives public, available every day, we must make a new choice: do I jump in and enjoy, or do I play it old school and safe? We’re social creatures, the temptation to welcome all opportunities with open arms is an intoxicating idea, but is this healthy for our relationships? Just where do we draw the line? I’m curious to hear how each of you has handled the decisions, and what kind of impact this has had on your relationships.

So, you’re pregnant?

admin — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 19:43:26 +0000

When it comes to chatting up chicks, some guys just don’t get it. No, I’ll take that back. MOST guys don’t get it. Talking to women doesn’t need to be edgy, pressuring, or slick in order to gain or hold a girl’s attention, despite what the expensive pick-up artists claim.
Trust me. I’m a woman, I know.
Sure, when my girlfriends and I are out and about for an evening, we’ll get approached by guys and if they’re doing something gimmicky or firing probing questions a mile a minute hoping they’ll eventually be allowed “in”, we’ll impatiently let them finish. Are any of us romantically intrigued? Doubtful, and even if any of us were, it’s not because of the gimmick or the barrage of edgy questions. In fact, it would be despite all that nonsense.
Finding an “in” is not nearly as difficult as guys tend to make it.
Most any girl will claim she loves a sense of humor, but it’s not the ONLY thing she looks for. She wants attraction, chemistry, and an air of romance. If she doesn’t sense those right away, no amount of quick-witted humor or over the top enthusiasm is going to help her see a guy as anything other than a desperate goofball. Remember when guys used to just hang out and act like guys? Playing it cool actually works, most of the time anyway.
Just to give you an example, I recently met a guy who thought he was being edgy in his approach, and totally missed his mark.
My division at work was doing a community service project last week, and in addition to some office tasks I was also assigned the job of photographer for the project. I was thrilled with this, since I could move around, talk to everyone, and even meet some new people.
There was one reasonably attractive guy, about my age, who I didn’t recognize. I walked up, introduced myself and we chatted briefly about what each of us does for our company. As everyone split up to join their separate project teams, he walked over, gave a jaunty smirk, and declared, “So, you’re pregnant?”
My first thought was “Wow, these t-shirts are really unflattering”, and then my next thought was “Joining a gym on my way home TODAY.”
When he saw the stricken look on my face, and realized the joke wasn’t playing, he backpedaled and tried to explain how it was funny because it obviously wasn’t true but the photog’s job for these projects is usually the girl who’s pregnant and can’t be around paint fumes or do heavy-duty landscaping.
Yeah, hilarious.
Later in the day, he approached once again, and this time made a similarly “innocent” joke about how I couldn’t be much older than he, and that the potential for my being pregnant was certainly reasonable.
Okay great, now I’m also obviously “older”? (And still appearing
pregnant?) Guys, you can see how this joking around with personal stuff can backfire, and spiral into insulting, right? I was bracing to see what awkward piece of personal info he might demand next: How much I weigh? Maybe how much I make? Ooh, perhaps he’ll find it hilarious to take a stab at whether I’m Italian, Mexican or South American? As my friend Brian said, I should have let him go ahead and shoot for the trifecta of TMI.
Instead, I took the low road, and almost drowned him with a tsunami of random personal info. Yeah, it wasn’t mature, but it sure felt good.
And then I watched the smart, attractive, but too-clueless-for-me guy walk away, wondering why he hadn’t just offered to help me take pics instead of trying to be the Howard Stern of my day.
So what’s the lesson here, guys? It’s not about going above and beyond to make a memorable impression. Girls want to be noticed, respected and appreciated. Make her feel special, not stricken, and you’ll be remembered…the right way. If she feels good about your encounter, no matter how innocent or seemingly uneventful, she’ll let you come back for more.

Surviving the Second Date

admin — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 19:43:03 +0000

Well, look at you! You’ve made it to the second date. You must be feeling triumphant, knowing you made a respectable enough impression she’s willing to see you again, but you’re also probably feeling a little nervous.
As I’ve preached before, the first date is usually something short and sweet, just to establish you have some basic things common and hold an attraction for each other. If you took my earlier advice, you did this over coffee at Helios and, to ensure you left her wanting more, you kept to a time limit of about an hour. That also ensured no one felt trapped if a tingle never arose, or if a psycho did.
Now the second date, we all know that is the real date. This is when you move past the first date jitters, and put the fumbling and awkward conversation behind you. Now is the time to relax, be yourself, and take some time to really get to know each other. If there is true potential, the second date will show it.
Setting up and executing a great second date takes a little forethought, and I’m happy to offer a few helpful tips on how to follow through effectively. Feel free to call B.S. if your experience tells you differently! I only ask you share your story here, so we can all learn from your success or failure.
First of all, this date needs to happen on a Friday or Saturday night. It should not be a casual, weeknight, text her with a “meet ya at Hibernian, say, 9ish?” kind of deal. If she’s really interested in dating you, and is still excited about your potential, she should be happy not only that you phoned, but also to give up one of her weekend evenings to see you. Plan something simple and different from the first date, ensuring it gives you ample opportunity to really get to know each other. Also don’t insist she choose, or she’ll feel put on the spot.
Once there, get the conversation going – and impress the heck out of her – by following up on topics from the first date. If you can show her you were actually listening the first time around and remember things she said about herself, you can score huge points. “So, how did that big presentation at work go? I know you were nervous about it, but I’ll bet you nailed it,” will warm her to you, guaranteed. Also be sure to ask plenty of other questions, but only those you actually care to hear the answer to. (You don’t want to sound forced or desperate by just firing any and all questions her way) Actively listen, confidently look in her eyes while she’s speaking, and lean slightly forward to show your interest. In essence, make her feel special and let her know you care about her life.
If the conversation hits a little lull after trying this, you can always offer an embarrassing or funny story about yourself. This takes a bit of the edge off, and allows her to learn a bit about you too. Making yourself a little (not a lot) vulnerable, and showing you can laugh at yourself and life, will help her feel less guarded and perhaps even closer to you.
Throughout the date, make a point to acknowledge the things you’ve noticed about her you find enticing. Yes, compliment her. But don’t just let her feel lucky for having good qualities. You should help her understand those good qualities are appreciated by you. Begin your compliments with “I find” or “I think” to put yourself into the equation. Say things like, “I find it admirable you take fitness so seriously,” instead of simply stating, “You’re so fit.”
Just as including yourself in compliments gives you an advantage, including her in your ideas will also bring you closer. Instead of announcing “I need to take you to Maximillian’s Grille. It’s my favorite restaurant,” try “So, you like sushi? Wouldn’t it be fun to go to Sono and compare our tastes?” In one fell swoop you’ve asked for her input, expressed interest in seeing her again, shown you value her opinion, and subtly planted the “we” idea. You don’t sound arrogant, and your interest will make her feel desired.
Lastly, and most importantly, BE YOURSELF. Don’t try to impress your date, or you’ll come across as a douche. Don’t lie about things you like just to fit her mold, because the insincerity will show. Many second dates fail when someone goes overboard to impress, mainly because the effort does the exact opposite of what was intended. Besides, you want to be liked for who you are, not who you pretend to be.
If you can pull this off, keeping it light, easy and simple, all while making her feel desirable and appreciated, you have the best shot possible at date #3. Don’t forget to take the time to make sure you really want date #3, because it’s not just about winning, it’s about winning the right girl for you, the right guy. If you’ve had fun and enjoyed each other’s company, maybe it’s really time to see whether she’s a Hard Rock Roll or hardcore sashimi kind of gal.

Is he cheating?

admin — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 19:41:47 +0000

Do you think your guy might be cheating? Let’s be honest, you know your relationship better than anyone. The fact you’re asking the question in the first place means something is probably wrong. Follow your instincts, and if your gut tells you something is off, then you have every right to check it out. There are ways to tell if you’re right, and no, those don’t include hacking his Facebook or email accounts, or snooping through his phone. (Those are signs of being a paranoid and psycho girlfriend, not a cheating boyfriend)
People cheat for many reasons, and the odds are not in our favor when it comes dodging that bullet. The sad fact is some people are just cheaters. We may not be able to prevent it, but identifying cheating behavior can help you deal with it in an effective manner. If you’re worried your man is seeing someone else, don’t overreact. Take a look at some of the clues below. If you see him in a lot of these, there’s a good chance your boy is a cheater.
Has he suddenly become distant? If your man has gone from hot, or even lukewarm, to cold, then something is amiss. But before you assume it’s another woman, why not just ask him? It could be work pressures or a number of other things, so try finding out what’s on his mind before jumping to any conclusions.
Has he become overly attentive to you? Perhaps love lit a romantic fire under his butt, but this could also be his guilt spilling out. Especially puzzling will be if he starts buying you gifts, even expensive ones, when before he never did. If he is cheating, as he becomes more wrapped up in her, this will diminish fairly quickly.
Has he cheated before? ”Once a cheater, always a cheater” isn’t 100% accurate, but it is a pretty fair predictor of fidelity. Some people will cheat no matter what you do, because they’ll never be happy with one person. Maybe it’s the thrill of the chase, or the excitement that comes from an illicit affair, but whatever the reason, cheating types feed on it and you can’t prevent it.
Has he started using lame excuses for not hanging out? If he’s going to visit his Aunt Eunice in her nursing home one evening a week, when before he only went at Christmas, something’s up. There’s a reason if those lame excuses become habitual.
Has he started talking frequently about the problems a friend, neighbor, classmate, or coworker of the opposite sex is having? The sudden interest in someone of the opposite sex is a big red flag.
Has he accused you of cheating, with no basis for the accusation? If he has no evidence, and seems to be grasping, there’s a chance he’s cheating. To divert attention away from his own infidelity, he’s pointing the finger at you. It’s called projection, and it’s pretty typical.
Has he started being secretive about stuff he never cared about before? Is he getting weird about you looking over his shoulder when he’s on his laptop, when before he used to call you over all the time to see some great video? Has he changed passwords or introduced a passkey on his phone? If he’s never done this before, he’s hiding something.
Has he snapped at you for no good reason? A guilty conscience might be to blame if he lost his temper just because you asked him what he did last Sunday or mentioned a female friend of his. If you are making normal inquiries, but he responds angrily, demanding to know why you are checking up on him, something is wrong. It is common for a cheater to get defensive instead of just coming clean. If his snapping usually leads to an argument where he always storms out, this could also be affording him the opportunity to visit a lover.
Has he started wearing different clothes or did he dramatically change his hairstyle? Is he all of a sudden intent upon getting his abs “shredded”? Well, maybe he’s just trying to update his look, or maybe he’s trying to impress someone new. You know your man’s habits, routines and preferences, and you have a right to be suspicious when these things change suddenly and without any apparent reason.
Has he stopped showing any interest in talking about your future together, in having sex with you, or has even suggested you both see other people? Chances are he’s already got another person, not only in mind, but in bed.

Picky or Perceptive: Making your Second Date Fate

admin — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 19:35:37 +0000

We’ve all had very promising first dates that left us feeling embarrassed, awkward, shocked, or disappointed. These dates are the worst, because they also come with hopes-dashing realization at least one of you isn’t willing to chance date #2. As frustrating as it may be to accept, often the inability to get to a second date has nothing to do with a lack of chemistry, attraction, or compatibility. The culprit is usually a silly slip-up causing one of you to think “whoa, that’s a red flag”, and then it’s over before it has begun.

As a culture, we Americans tend to be very picky on the first date(s), allowing the smallest of details to turn us off. More times than we’d like to admit, we’ve all been just like Ally McBeal gawking with disgust at the Salad Dressing Guy. We are all guilty of observing some simple action or noticing a minute flaw, obsessing over it, and inevitably finding it impossible to ignore. The best we can do is be aware of this impulse and try not to let it foil our present and future dating efforts. Dating missteps happen to the best of us. Giving our date the benefit of the doubt is the least we can do, because that’s exactly what we want in return.

Speaking of leniency, there are some pretty easy-to-avoid mistakes you can keep in mind when you’re first out and trying to get to know someone. You’re on your own with the accidental booger hanging from your nose or the uncontrollable gas and cramps your Taco Truck lunch caused, but I can provide a list of the most common and avoidable deal breakers in the “getting to know you” game. These certainly aren’t the only ones, but knowing to side-step these gives a better chance of sending your date home thinking “hmm, potential” rather giving in to that “ugh, never again” gut reaction. Vow not to give your date a lame reason to back off before he’s even gotten the chance to know you! You know you’re not that person, so make sure your date does too. And if he or she starts down one of these paths, try a gentle nudge in the right direction before you write him or her off.

The first no-no is over-communicating. Are you talking non-stop? Constantly complaining? Firing preplanned questions like it’s an interview? Telling racist, sexist, or dirty jokes “to ease the tension”? Disclosing some highly personal information? Preaching zealously about your religion or political stance? Just because you’re preventing silence doesn’t mean you are making a good impression or encouraging the discovery process. Chances are you’re making your date highly uncomfortable and imposed upon, and on your way to scaring him/her away. This isn’t really you, is it? Try to take it easy, keep it lighthearted, and enjoy the process of simply getting to know someone.

The worst over-communicating offense is whining, pining, ranting or even just talking about past relationships. Baggage is not sexy, and neither is drama. Don’t leave your date wondering if all that built-up anger, bitterness, or sadness will someday be directed at them. Just be awesomely over your past and ready to welcome the potential in front of you.

Worse than over-communicating with your date is over-communicating with everyone else. Yes, I mean cell phone shenanigans. The best way to let your date know how unimportant she is to you is by letting everyone who has your phone number barge in on your time together. Constantly checking your phone is the same as scanning a room for a bigger, better deal. Emergencies happen, and those must be dealt with, but text banter with a buddy can wait and so can the video someone just shared to your Facebook wall. You promised this time to each other, so honor it.

Another red flag is treating the service or staff like you just peeled them from the bottom of your shoe. Your service may not be perfect, but there’s no need to go to extremes when showing your displeasure. What your date will see is your impatience and temper, and wonder if you are also mean to animals and children as well. He will also figure this is how you will treat him later in the relationship. Be an adult, be tolerant, and don’t allow the details to be disruptions from an otherwise enjoyable date.

The biggest red flag is pre-date lying. Lying to impress a date is always a no-no, no matter how common it is in the world of Internet dating. Resist the temptation to pad your dating resume when making an online profile or when making arrangements for your date. Nothing says I’m desperate and not worthy of another date more than finding out you fudged a few “small details” to seem more appealing.

Basically, try to show your even, balanced, honest and open side. Show your date, through example with your actions, that you honor your commitments, you are fun to be around, and you know how to respect other people. A little goes a long way when you’re making first impressions, and aiming for second dates. Don’t be the one to provide the goof-up that leaves him or her wanting less.

Is he interested? He’ll tell you.

admin — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 19:29:47 +0000

Blind dates and nearly-blind first dates are all too common these days, now that online connections are practically dominating our social interactions. No longer is it typical to meet a potentially dateable guy at gatherings of mutual friends, where you can get a breakdown of his personality, dating history and other tidbits straight from trusted friends’ mouths. Now it is much more likely the guy you’re going out with Friday night is merely someone with whom you happen to share a handful of Facebook friends or you’ve shared “guided communication” on eHarmony. You’ve probably shared pics but never met in person…until now. In this situation knowing what to expect is much harder. Figuring out what, if anything, happens next is nearly impossible.

Suppose you go on one of these nearly-blind dates, and your companion turns out to be a decent guy, pleasant and well-mannered. So far you’re interested and would be open to another date. Since you barely know the guy, how do you determine if he’s interested? Granted, when he saw you he didn’t duck out the back door or immediately fake a family emergency. But is he setting the stage for Date #2? Let’s take a look at his behavior and see.

Attracted?

Is he making much eye contact? No matter how shy he may be, if he finds you attractive he won’t be able to keep his eyes off you. Is he commenting on how attractive you are to him? An interested guy will exclaim “You’re gorgeous!” or “You’re so much prettier than your photos.” He’ll find a way to compliment you on something. Is he making excuses for casual touches? An attracted guy will touch your arm or your back as he leads you to the dinner table or through a door, or will place his hand on yours for emphasis while telling a story.

Interested?

Is he smiling a lot? An intrigued guy will smile a lot and even laugh when you attempt something funny. Is he actively engaged in the conversation? Is he asking lots of questions about you and your interests? An interested man will find your conversation fascinating and will want to keep it going. Did you agree to meet just for one drink? A guy who is pleasantly surprised by his interest in you will offer to spend more time, and try to extend your date to a second drink or maybe a meal.

Gentlemanly?

Is he comfortable just hanging out? An interested guy won’t be distracted and focused on flagging down the waiter to get the bill. Is he being generous? An eager-to-impress guy will be happy to pay the bill and will wave off your offer to split it. Does he open the door for you and insist upon walking you to your car? A guy hoping to rate for Date #2 won’t just shake your hand at the door, say “It was very nice to meet you,” and stride off. He will want to milk those last few minutes out of your date, ensure you make it to your car safely, and leave you with a good impression.
And finally, has he offered up the second date? An attracted man will speak openly of the possibility of a next meeting and perhaps even try to set one up during the first date. For instance, if you discover you’re both hockey fans, he’ll suggest “Next time let’s go to a game”.

Individually you can’t take any one of these situations to definitively mean there’s no second date on the horizon. However, if a pattern of lacking interest starts to emerge, don’t despair! Just excuse yourself as pleasantly and gracefully as possible, and prepare to move your focus to Mr. Next-in-Line.

But She’s Hot!

admin — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 17:53:47 +0000

When we date, we evaluate each date’s potential to be the one we choose, the one who rises to the top and with whom we wish to take the leap. This leap could be one of many different actions, but it usually implies a commitment to something serious and enduring. Everyone has their own criteria for who gets to move to the next level, and who gets left in the dust. Our reasons can range from basic (he must have a job ) to obscenely picky (he must be at least five inches taller than me, hold exactly the same religious beliefs I do, and be fit enough to not just race, but place, in one full Ironman a year). I’m not saying the lists are realistic, because usually they are not, but you have to give actively dating people props for trying to have standards.

I have noticed, however, that all reason, and worse, all adherence to the list, tends to fall apart in two very distinct cases. How many times have you heard a guy complaining about a girl, about how psycho, financially foolish, or needy she is, only to hear him excuse it away with “but she’s hot”? And how many times have you heard a girl go on and on about how controlling, disrespectful or piggish her man is, and then explain how it’s okay because “he’s loaded”? The objects of their desires may be reprehensible individuals with appalling lifestyles, but they make it clear this one attribute trumps all others.

Now before anyone gets their boxers in a bunch over this, keep in mind this is merely an observation. I am not suggesting this tendency holds true for everyone, but if you find this offensive, it’s likely because you’ve fallen into its trap once or twice. Believe me when I say you are not alone. According to Forbes.com, there are even many companies cashing in on this concept. The owners of Natural Selection Speed Date Rich Guys & Hot Girls are making a fortune helping single people realize this very ideal, by bringing this desire out in the open. They are pairing successful men and beautiful women, and to the indignance of some and the joy of others, it is working.

So, just how much crazy will a guy tolerate in a girl if she’s smoking hot? Apparently a lot. Are some guys really that superficial? In a word, yep. You can ask, “Dude, you know she’s insane and a total beotch, right?” and you won’t be all that shocked to hear him respond, “Yeah, but she’s hot.” If the Bro Code of “How I Met Your Mother” holds true, there is a strong contingent of men honoring Barney’s Hot Crazy Scale: A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Does this mean we women should be killing ourselves with intensive workouts and getting all the plastic surgery money can buy, and forget about being nice? Only if we want to end up with a guy who falls for the fake boobs and tight buns, and then loses interest when age starts to take its toll.

And on the flip side, just how much disrespect will a girl tolerate in a guy if he’s filthy rich? Apparently a lot. Are there girls who are really that materialistic? In a word, yep. The idea of marrying into money is still as appealing to a lot of women today as it was back when Marilyn Monroe, Lauren Bacall, and Betty Grable starred in “How to Marry a Millionaire”. Does this mean all you men had better start making good with that rich Uncle Jed, betting everything on that business plan you’ve been sitting on, and forget about being nice? Only if you want to end up with a woman who loves your bank account as much as, or more than, she loves you, and is ready to ditch you the first time you say “no” to a purchase.

Mimi’s advice? Decide what you really want and need, then stick to your guns. If you really can’t do without the shapeliness or the millions, then commit to it. However, keep in mind that a long-term commitment should be based upon enduring traits. Try not to let one thing, especially something ephemeral like beauty or wealth, sway you into buying into a bad relationship. Mark my words: If you settle for less, you will pay for it later.